When Abuse Happens

"None of this is your fault"

I wanted to get back to you today because I was thinking about how I felt in the beginning. I wanted to make sure I explained how we tend to doubt ourselves when we're in an abusive relationship, and there are perfectly good reasons why.

First of all, most abusers are very practiced at pointing the finger at someone else when things aren't going their way. This means they will often have a very slanted way of making you doubt yourself and your feelings. They do this passively using statements that quietly point back to you and take the responsibility away from them. They "love" hooking up with women who are "responsible" because they know you'll take responsibility when they need to point their finger at you. These are some examples of how they might try to make you doubt yourself.

"I'm hurt you think I would want to make you feel bad."
"I hope you don't think that I would want to hurt you."
"I can't believe you think I did that on purpose."

Each of these, and there are many others, could very well give you the feeling that "you're" not thinking right: either you're not hearing him, or you're taking things the wrong way. Can you see the words here that point the guilt and responsibility back to you? This is very important to remember: they want to make you doubt yourself. If you doubt yourself, it's easier to keep you under their control. And when they play with your heart strings, even better. If he can make you feel as though you're the one who caused the problem, then he's off the hook.

As well, if you start to doubt yourself, it makes it easier for him to convince you that it's all your fault, or that he didn't mean it or that he'll never do it again.

Here's the kicker...you will always have a spirit within you that will respond to something that isn't true like these kinds of statements. We often call this our "gut feeling" or a ripple that trickles through you. And, it's far more accurate than anything anyone else can try and convince you of.

Remember: an abuser will play games with your head and your heart in order to dominate you. You don't have to let him, and it is doesn't have to be this way. Trust yourself and that little spark inside your gut that pings when something just doesn't seem to be the way it should be...because your gut feeling will be RIGHT ON.

Remember: there is an "Agenda" at work here to make you doubt yourself. I'm here to tell you, "None of this is your fault" and "You don't have to feel guilty."

Before I sign off today, one more thing. If you are in an abusive relationship, don't panic. Stay calm and learn and listen. I will walk you through what you need to know to safely change your situation...one step at a time. Whatever you do, keep our conversations "Private." Don't give him any reason to mistrust what you're doing right now, especially if you're planning on leaving. So, don't change what you're doing right now...lay low, keep your head down and don't send up any red flags.

You must take your time, stay safe, and do this very methodically. And, if you're at the stage where you're starting to wonder about the dynamics of your relationship, take some time to carefully learn for sure if you'll be in trouble with him in the future. He didn't get this way over night, and you shouldn't end the relationship quickly because that could be dangerous. Wait until you can be certain you can do it safely.

Reaching out to me, can be your first step. And I will teach you how to escape so you stay safe.
Please comment or ask questions...and stay in touch. I'm here for you...

The 3rd Energy

"Then he hit me again. My head snapped back against the wall,
and my glasses flew across the room. I could tell my lip was
bleeding as the liquid warmth slipped down my chin. The pain
rang through my head like a gun blast. It was all happening in
slow motion. Would he kill me? Could he kill me?

Betrayal was going to look very different from here on."

No more important diagram has ever been given to me than the ones in this article. As you're aware, I am a survivor from an abusive relationship. Well, actually from several. The important part is that I made it out alive. One of the reasons I have broken the cycle of abuse is because of diagrams like these. My mentor, Roann, has therefore been instrumental in my escape and continued growth toward a modicum of wisdom on relationships.

We all hope and some pray we find the perfect mate and we devote an awful lot of time, energy and attention to the task. Some, for no apparent reason at all, manage to find the perfect match, and some even manage to find their soulmate. Ah, what a wonderful thing. However, I was not quite so lucky. In fact, I survived nine abusers over the years, each one with their very own brand of torment from kidnapping, rape and stalking to emotional, physical and mental abuse so I guess I can call myself a bit of an expert in this department. I've seen them all.

Looking back all I really wanted to do was to complete "the picture" that I was shown as a child: 2.3 kids, 2 car garage, white picket fence...etc, you know, just like good old mom and dad. And it was easy to overlook some of the flaws of my suitors because "not everyone is perfect." After a great deal of anguish, sadness, fear and pain, I finally put my foot down and said, "No more." I became a student of human dynamics for the next eleven years. This diagram, had I seen it in the very beginning, had I been given the "recipe" for the perfect relationship, my story would have read very differently. The 3rd Energy has become my new picture...

Here you see two circles representing two individuals. They are equal and separate, and then they come together. The dynamics of their relationship will depend entirely on how they "VALUE" each other. When there is balance in a relationship, both people offer strength, help, support, encouragement and anything else their partner might need, and they offer it without obligation of any kind. This diagram is a representation of this idea.

In some relationships when one person dominates over the other, this is a perfect picture of what is happening. This picture shows the imbalance. This kind of relationship can be hurtful, demeaning, devaluing, fearful and/or painful as the dominant partner powers-over the other in many different ways. There is no 3rd Energy or soft place to fall...only fear, self-doubt, sorrow, frustration and eventually resentment where love used to be.

My husband of six years broke his promise that night. I knew I could never trust him again. And I also knew that if I left him, I'd loose everything. There would be no job, no home, no income, no car and certainly no money if I left. It was a huge decision. I was very grateful the kids were grown and gone and I was making this decision for only me.

Today, I'm glad I made the decision to get out because it was all a fantasy anyway. And fantasies always end sooner or later. I lost everything, it's true. But what I gained could never be valued through money or fame or things. What happened as a result of leaving would become the cost of my healing and it was well worth the time and effort. I am now more whole than I've ever been in my life, and I'm at a place where peace is starting to surround me more and more. I can finally smile again...and mean it.

Please...don't let it be too late to change your destiny. If you are in an abusive relationship, please come back and read this blog. I promise I will continue to give you tools that will help you survive too. Make comments on what I'm writing, ask questions, talk to me...especially if you have no one else you can trust. I will help you...just as someone else helped me.

Mother Nature's Power

I dated a guy once who was white and First Nations. I should mention that the First Nations part runs very deep because it's in me as well. I hadn't realized how much it had influenced me cause I grew up as a little white girl until later in life. Some of the things I learned being around my grandfather, who was half and half, still beat within my chest to this day and influence much of my life. Anyway, Rob took me out for target practise one day at the local gravel pit. This was in Zeballos, a tiny wee town on the west coast of Vancouver Island where he was fishing at the time.

He lined up the usual tin cans on a log near the foot of the cliff. Then he showed me how to safely load the gun, set it to my shoulder, line up the sight and fire. I was pretty cocky back then and hit a can with the first bullet. It made me feel really good when he commented on my amazing feat. I aimed again, and decided the cans were too easy, so I pointed up and toward a flock of crows that were flying around near the top of the cliff. From over my shoulder I heard a very steady, deep voice, "If you kill it, you eat it." Rob had an incredible respect for Mother Nature, and on that day I learned just how much. He used to say to never take more than you need and he always reminded me of the power of Mother Nature when we were out on the water fishing.

Native people know about conservation. They successfully gathered and fished and hunted from the land and sea for thousands of years without once bringing a single species to extinction. Today, it seems every species that lives on the earth is in jeopardy except perhaps dogs and cats because we happen to have found a particular use for them that encourages us to keep them alive. They're more fun to walk when they're alive!

The other day I was listening to a documentary about global warming and how things will start to drastically change once we increase the global temperature by over 1 degree. To date we've managed to get to .8 degrees which is close enough to 1 degree, if you ask me. Anyway, I started to think about Mother Nature and Her power. To me, all of those powers that make things happen: that which causes plants and trees to grow toward the sun, the physics behind black holes, miracles, gravity and other such things is what makes up God. The Universe, although seemingly chaotic and random, is no such thing. It is the perfect "fractal geometry" to which everything results.

And Mother Nature...well, She will always "balance" something that is imbalanced. If we spew tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and cause an imbalance in the temperature of the globe, She will certainly cause something that will "put us in our place." Just as the increasing temperature will surely melt the ice caps, the resulting rise in the level of the ocean will wipe out many highly populated areas along many, many coastlines. She will be saying to us that we are what must be decreased because we created the problem! How many people will have to die before balance is acheived, or can we get smart in time to decrease the emissions before we become Her target? We might do well to ask ourselves that question on a regular basis.

I can see our future now. As we increase the temperature by two, then three degrees, we will literally have to "shut down" parts of the country to decrease the carbon emissions until the earth can rebalance. No small task. Imagine that your work week becomes three days instead of five simply because you work in a specific industry that will be shut down two days a week for the next three years to reduce carbon emissions. Or, perhaps you're working in a city where half of it is now under water...and the rest of you suddenly need a boat to get to work, a row boat no less. Perhaps your part of the country is on a metered system whereby when your area gets to a certain usage of power each day, everything automatically shuts off. How about only being allowed to have one light bulb at home, and no cooking, computers or television six days a week?

Don't laugh. The alternatives to conservation are not pretty. The US needs to stop digging for more oil and Natural Gas (that's a huge oxymoron if I ever heard one) and seek to replace as much fossil fuel consumption with sun, wind and water power. How stupid have we been to believe spewing carbon into the atmosphere as we have could result in anything but destruction? The answer seems pretty simple if you think about it...

Spirit Talk

The word "Spirit" conjures up a wide variety of things. To some, Spirit is connected to God somehow, as in The Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and to some it means the soul, to others they think of the spirit of giving or the human spirit and so on. For me, I must explain my Spirit as the sacred essence of me. So, what does that mean? It's a difficult thing to explain, as evidenced by the millions who have tried before me.

I have used a metaphor in the past that actually worked quite well, and I'll share it with you here. To me, Spirit is that which I have come here to be. And so, I liken my Spirit to a seed. Within each seed lies the exact ingredients of what each will eventually produce, nothing more, nothing less. The seed doesn't need any instructions in order to produce the resulting plant, just a little care and attention like water, sun and soil. The sacred essence of the seed will always burst forth exactly what it should given a fair chance and a little rain. Spirit works exactly the same way.

What ends up happening with humans however is that we can get in the way of our own bursting forth due to logic, pain, fear, sorrow, need, insecurities and basically just life in general. Regardless of the chaos in life, our essence remains entirely whole and exactly as it should within. The trick is being able to "get back" to that inner essence, our Spirit, when the world has us so distracted and frustrated we can hardly think straight. There is much peace to be realized to know that Spirit never wavers, never changes and is never asleep, and that we can tap back into it whenever we wish to. The only prerequisite is that we "want" to.

Picture the seed again. The plant comes "from" the seed but it doesn't "return" to the seed. This is the only place the metaphor doesn't work because we "come from" Spirit but we can also "return" to it. Spirit is always there, holding within it's wisdom, exactly what we were meant to realize while we're here. This makes Spirit the Sacred Essence, something that cannot be changed, given away, sold, bought or ever lost.

Tapping into this resource is slightly different than just "thinking" your way to happiness however like some would have you believe. Suffice it to say that behaviours are what we do, the meaning something has for you is the reason you do it. Changing the meaning that something has for you is the only way to tap into the resources that truly alter things in your life. Just "thinking" about something, is just thinking about something. Find peace and strength in knowing that Spirit is always there, just as it should be, unchanged, unaffected by life and waiting to guide you toward your true purpose...just like a little seed.

Learnin'

Every day is a learnin' experience...as I'm sure you know. Most recently I've been struck by my own place in the universe, that tiny space between my soul and the cosmos, this cyberspace of my journey, my alone whisper of time, the in-out of my breath that mingles with an unseen mist, the perpetual aspect of my own energy...always returning exactly what I send forth.

Energy. My year has been focused on energy. In the pool where I swim daily, I can watch the resulting pattern on the ceiling made by the energy of the sun and people splashing and moving in the water. In the pool of my life, I can look back, way back now, and see how what I pushed out, truly did return.

There is something to be said about gratitude, however it's not exactly what I thought at first. I wondered how I could be grateful when the trials and tribulations in my life had been so very nasty, sad and scary. What could there possibly be to be grateful for, I wondered. I couldn't seem to substaniate time to spend being grateful for what seemed so insignificant in my giant mess of a life.

One day however I took up a habit in hopes it would lead me closer to wisdom. Every night, well almost every night, before I fall asleep I thank the Great Spirit and the Lord and the Universe, to cover all my bases, for whatever comes to mind. Sometimes it's people, friend and foe, sometimes it's to pray for little things like the bunnies on the university campus or the dolphins in the ocean.

I have come to find that there is a simple grace about it all. What is returning seems to be peace of mind and heart, the knowledge that I took some time, albeit very small in the big scheme of it all, to acknowledge something other than myself. I stood still and quiet long enough to observe and be thankful. It has made me feel alive and connected to a purpose being grateful for those things like fairness, reality, nature and such that truly make me who I am within. How else do I acknowledge my own spirit if I can't see any other?

My gratitude has softened me and is slowing me down so I have time to smell the flowers now and then. The world is beginning to look very different because I'm beginning to feel more a part of it all. Now when I try to comprehend the wee tiny spec of dust I am in the vastness of the universe, it further confirms my long-held belief that this world is simply an atom in someone else's coffee table. For me, it's as true as any other theory to date.

You see, I care not to be put inside a box built by someone else; religion, evolution, science...it's all very daunting. I prefer to acknowledge that that which I know not now, I will be lernin' when I cross over to yet another plain of mystery...

Relationship Mechanix

Humans are social which means we're predisposed to want to connect with others. By ourselves, life doesn't get that complicated, but as soon as you start adding relationships to the mix, the landscape changes exponentially...that's a big word for "becomes very complex the more friends you add."

That being said, we're usually looking for just one perfect relationship; someone to witness our passage through this life, someone to cuddle on cold winter nights, someone to love, honour and cherish. Friends are great, but when the lights go out or the plane takes off, it's important to have a partner you trust to hang on to. And herein lies the greatest of challenges in life. How does one find that "perfect relationship"? What are the ingredients, the pitfalls, the red flags or the telltale signs of a good or bad relationship? Do you know?

Well, I do. After many years and much trial, error and study, I made it my mission to understand the signs, and now I can share them with you. The very most important trait anyone wants in any relationship is to be valued. I know you can easily imagine what it is like to be in a relationship where you are "not" valued, where someone pushes and pulls, upsets and manipulates, cons and argues, belittles and devalues and makes you feel unsure of yourself...and so, I rest my case. And, both people need to value each other, as human beings, as imperfect, as man/woman, as someone who is at a certain place in their journey. To not be valued is the most common reason we begin to feel frustrated and eventually resentful. Very few, if any, return from resentment in a relatioship. Once resentment sets in, especially on a regular basis, it's over.

Allowing each other to be in their own life, just as they are, is a sure sign of two people who value each other. People who manipulate, coerce and otherwise force issues to get their own way are not people who value anyone. These people will eventually destroy either you or surely the relationshp. No amount of "miracle" from you will correct someone who hasn't learned how to value someone else.

"To be valued, and to value, is the foundation of every relationship...and everything
else is in response to this."

Good intentions can be confusing as well. Sometimes we "intend" on being respectful of others but we can easily miss the mark. The telltale sign that this is a bad thing is when we more often offend than make a simple mistake. In other words, someone who seems to have good intentions but more often than not misses the mark, is someone who has their own agenda and it has nothing to do with valuing anyone. When someone truly has "good intentions" they will show up in everything that person does or says. Those who only "talk" about good intentions, and always make mistakes, has another agenda altogether.

Having an agenda has more to do with feeding their need to power-over others in order to feel powerful in their own life. Caution: these people will often play victim when confronted on their "intentions". They will say things like, "but I would never want to hurt you," or "I can't believe you think I meant to hurt you." Follow your gut instincts - not the con. If they truly mean to "not hurt you" then they won't hurt you. The more they hurt you, the more they are telling on themselves that they will continue to hurt you.

Stay in touch...I have much more...

Her Story

Her Story

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The Attacks

I'll begin my story at the start of my eleven year journey to today.

In 1999 I was an entrepreneur who owned and operated a successful business. My husband was the best salesman around, and certainly his work had made many things p0ssible. We had been together for six years, and although we both worked at the business, it was my financial stake that had started it all. As such, I was a couple of hundred thousand on the hook.

In the beginning he wined and dined me, showered me with gifts, we laughed easily and seemed to have much in common. However there had been signs in the beginning that he was not always responsible or truthful. I had overlooked them puting it down to "no one is perfect."

I guess at forty-something, I was willing to "settle" for "not totally perfect." His transgressions included not paying taxes for years and the government was still paying for his medical insurance as if he wasn't able to afford these just as in his past. I look back on these signs now as deal-breakers...but back then, the good seemed to out weigh the bad. I must have been desperate to complete that perfect picture of Mom, Dad, 2.3 kids, white picket fence, dog, you know...the one most of us are trying to compose! So I knew I was taking a bit of a chance, but then aren't we always?

We had been together for six years. In and around year one, we had been in bed talking one night. I was getting tired and said I was going to sleep. As soon as I turned over he was on top of me with his hands around my throat. My son showed up at the door, thank heaven, with a two by four and an attitude. I left him shortly after and moved far enough away that it wouldn't be easy for him to follow. He found me eventually, and worked very hard at trying to convince me that he would "never do it again". He wanted me back. I fought the urge for quite some time, but I finally succumbed and agreed to meet him at the park to talk. Somewhere along the way, I guess I was convinced he meant what he was saying, and I went back. He was good for the next five years.

Our business had been growing, and so was I. Our customers sought me out and he began to sit at his desk and watch me with a strange look on his face, sweat on his brow. I was growing a group of followers and he was getting scared. Then one night he decided to put me back in my place by beating me up again. I'll skip the details on this and just say it wasn't pleasant. I didn't end up in the hospital but it was scary enough that I certainly didn't want to stay for more.

After the assault I went to bed and closed the door. I was scared and shaking and wondered if he'd be back that night for more of me. He didn't. I heard him slink down the hall a bit later though. Then suddenly he was at my door. My heart jumped and nearly stopped. My eyes must have popped out of my head. All he wanted was for me to set his alarm clock. Can you imagine? He asked me in a sheepish little voice, all nice and sweet, if I would set his alarm because, "he had a meeting in the morning." I seem to remember doing it for him, and then closing the door and crawling back to the safety of my bed. I didn't sleep that night but spent much time thinking about what I would do the next day.

I heard him leave in the morning. I quickly packed a bag, my heart pounding in my chest and a feeling of guilt rising up for some apparent reason. I left knowing full well I would lose everything. By morning though I had decided that I wouldn't give him another shot at me...again. I thought to myself yet again, there must be something better than this. I ended up staying with a friend, and in so doing, entered into a new place, a realm of hope and healing.

One of the first things I learned was that when he asked me to set his alarm, he did so to make sure the assault had "put me back into my place" but that we were "alright" again. The absurd request about setting the alarm was because he needed to check to see that he didn't scare me "too" much.

One other question I asked of my mentor, Ra, was, "Why didn't I see this coming? The answer will forever ring in my ears...and in my heart too. I heard, "Because you weren't supposed to." It took a minute for this to sink in, so Ra continued, "If you had known he would be abusive and attack you like this, you wouldn't have started up with him in the first place. That being said, men like this have practised their strategies for many, many years, and they are very cunning. They know exactly what kind of women to target and how to win them over. They will worm their way into your world without you knowing what they have planned for the future. He wasn't about to let you in on his strategy because he knew you wouldn't have played along!"

Then she added, "and if you stay, it will escalate until he has control again. Make no mistake. His agenda has been escalating all along..."

This was the beginning of hours and days and months and even a few years of questions and answers that have brought me to a place in time where I now know what it was all about...and most importantly, how to avoid it. I was right...there had to be something better than this. I didn't deserve to be treated like a slave, a victim or anything less than the woman I am today. It took awhile to learn what I needed because I had spent years, nearly 45 of them, learning the wrong king of stuff about me. With nine abusers in total, there wasn't much left of me except an aweful lot of anger. Taking 40 years to get to where I was in 1999 when I left the last one, my revelations weren't about to happen overnight.

I was determined however. I wanted so badly to know what peace felt like. I wanted to be able to ride the waves of life with a sense of balance and a certainty that I could be okay. And more than anything else, I wanted to be rid of the anger that had snuck up and filled my life because I didn't want anything or anyone to control me ever again. I wanted me back.

YouTopia - A New World

"After I finally broke away, my hope of a future that was better than the one I had just left behind became my insatiable focus. "

Surviving the physical abuse was a stroke of luck, and I don't usually have a lot of luck. I had a knife in my hand that fateful night, and made a miraculous decision. Nine abusers were enough. I was finally done. My past would become my lesson plan because I had finally made up my mind that I would not repeat the same mistakes again. I was firmly resolved to be on a new path, and I needed a way to pay particular attention to the rest of my journey so it never happened again. I needed to learn some things about me; how am I going to do it differently, why had my life become a safe haven for nine abusers, what had been my role, and how can the past reality help me today?

Speeding down the road away from him, I knew the next eleven years would be work. Today, I see how necessary it all was. I'm living proof that it's possible to come back from the brink where it seems that nothing is right in your world, to a place I call "my pink-cotton-candy-place of peace" where I feel safe and whole and connected. I'm probably more whole today than at any other time in my life. And I owe it all to a very old soul and mentor who I'll call Ra.

I can invite you to walk with me along that journey from insanity to Light only now because I didn't think I was getting anywhere for many years or that I had anything to share that would be of value. Today, looking back from here, I see a golden thread through it all, and "that" is what I wish to share with others who wish to or have embarked on a similar journey.

From being stalked, kidnapped, raped and psychologically abused to the ultimate financial con and the physical assault, I'd been through it all. And I thought I was a pretty smart woman. Maybe smart is the wrong word. But I certainly was resolved...and where did I get my resolve? Well, that's all part of the story.

I hope to bring inspiration, hope, safety, resources and a spiritual essence of oneself through this blog and leave the pain, suffering, sadness, fear and hopelessness for another day. I will have to refer to the depths of my experiences, but this blog will hopefully be about the inspiration more than the violence, about the healing more than the hurting and about the resolve more than the doubt. I have gained a host of very simple and powerful tools from Ra that have helped me immeasurably over my years of healing, and they are the "value" I now can share with you. I have tested each and every one, and I know of their value first hand.

Hop aboard, join in the story and inspire yourself to freedom upon my shoulders...I will hold you up until you are able to stand on your own.