When Abuse Happens

"None of this is your fault"

I wanted to get back to you today because I was thinking about how I felt in the beginning. I wanted to make sure I explained how we tend to doubt ourselves when we're in an abusive relationship, and there are perfectly good reasons why.

First of all, most abusers are very practiced at pointing the finger at someone else when things aren't going their way. This means they will often have a very slanted way of making you doubt yourself and your feelings. They do this passively using statements that quietly point back to you and take the responsibility away from them. They "love" hooking up with women who are "responsible" because they know you'll take responsibility when they need to point their finger at you. These are some examples of how they might try to make you doubt yourself.

"I'm hurt you think I would want to make you feel bad."
"I hope you don't think that I would want to hurt you."
"I can't believe you think I did that on purpose."

Each of these, and there are many others, could very well give you the feeling that "you're" not thinking right: either you're not hearing him, or you're taking things the wrong way. Can you see the words here that point the guilt and responsibility back to you? This is very important to remember: they want to make you doubt yourself. If you doubt yourself, it's easier to keep you under their control. And when they play with your heart strings, even better. If he can make you feel as though you're the one who caused the problem, then he's off the hook.

As well, if you start to doubt yourself, it makes it easier for him to convince you that it's all your fault, or that he didn't mean it or that he'll never do it again.

Here's the kicker...you will always have a spirit within you that will respond to something that isn't true like these kinds of statements. We often call this our "gut feeling" or a ripple that trickles through you. And, it's far more accurate than anything anyone else can try and convince you of.

Remember: an abuser will play games with your head and your heart in order to dominate you. You don't have to let him, and it is doesn't have to be this way. Trust yourself and that little spark inside your gut that pings when something just doesn't seem to be the way it should be...because your gut feeling will be RIGHT ON.

Remember: there is an "Agenda" at work here to make you doubt yourself. I'm here to tell you, "None of this is your fault" and "You don't have to feel guilty."

Before I sign off today, one more thing. If you are in an abusive relationship, don't panic. Stay calm and learn and listen. I will walk you through what you need to know to safely change your situation...one step at a time. Whatever you do, keep our conversations "Private." Don't give him any reason to mistrust what you're doing right now, especially if you're planning on leaving. So, don't change what you're doing right now...lay low, keep your head down and don't send up any red flags.

You must take your time, stay safe, and do this very methodically. And, if you're at the stage where you're starting to wonder about the dynamics of your relationship, take some time to carefully learn for sure if you'll be in trouble with him in the future. He didn't get this way over night, and you shouldn't end the relationship quickly because that could be dangerous. Wait until you can be certain you can do it safely.

Reaching out to me, can be your first step. And I will teach you how to escape so you stay safe.
Please comment or ask questions...and stay in touch. I'm here for you...