The Attacks

I'll begin my story at the start of my eleven year journey to today.

In 1999 I was an entrepreneur who owned and operated a successful business. My husband was the best salesman around, and certainly his work had made many things p0ssible. We had been together for six years, and although we both worked at the business, it was my financial stake that had started it all. As such, I was a couple of hundred thousand on the hook.

In the beginning he wined and dined me, showered me with gifts, we laughed easily and seemed to have much in common. However there had been signs in the beginning that he was not always responsible or truthful. I had overlooked them puting it down to "no one is perfect."

I guess at forty-something, I was willing to "settle" for "not totally perfect." His transgressions included not paying taxes for years and the government was still paying for his medical insurance as if he wasn't able to afford these just as in his past. I look back on these signs now as deal-breakers...but back then, the good seemed to out weigh the bad. I must have been desperate to complete that perfect picture of Mom, Dad, 2.3 kids, white picket fence, dog, you know...the one most of us are trying to compose! So I knew I was taking a bit of a chance, but then aren't we always?

We had been together for six years. In and around year one, we had been in bed talking one night. I was getting tired and said I was going to sleep. As soon as I turned over he was on top of me with his hands around my throat. My son showed up at the door, thank heaven, with a two by four and an attitude. I left him shortly after and moved far enough away that it wouldn't be easy for him to follow. He found me eventually, and worked very hard at trying to convince me that he would "never do it again". He wanted me back. I fought the urge for quite some time, but I finally succumbed and agreed to meet him at the park to talk. Somewhere along the way, I guess I was convinced he meant what he was saying, and I went back. He was good for the next five years.

Our business had been growing, and so was I. Our customers sought me out and he began to sit at his desk and watch me with a strange look on his face, sweat on his brow. I was growing a group of followers and he was getting scared. Then one night he decided to put me back in my place by beating me up again. I'll skip the details on this and just say it wasn't pleasant. I didn't end up in the hospital but it was scary enough that I certainly didn't want to stay for more.

After the assault I went to bed and closed the door. I was scared and shaking and wondered if he'd be back that night for more of me. He didn't. I heard him slink down the hall a bit later though. Then suddenly he was at my door. My heart jumped and nearly stopped. My eyes must have popped out of my head. All he wanted was for me to set his alarm clock. Can you imagine? He asked me in a sheepish little voice, all nice and sweet, if I would set his alarm because, "he had a meeting in the morning." I seem to remember doing it for him, and then closing the door and crawling back to the safety of my bed. I didn't sleep that night but spent much time thinking about what I would do the next day.

I heard him leave in the morning. I quickly packed a bag, my heart pounding in my chest and a feeling of guilt rising up for some apparent reason. I left knowing full well I would lose everything. By morning though I had decided that I wouldn't give him another shot at me...again. I thought to myself yet again, there must be something better than this. I ended up staying with a friend, and in so doing, entered into a new place, a realm of hope and healing.

One of the first things I learned was that when he asked me to set his alarm, he did so to make sure the assault had "put me back into my place" but that we were "alright" again. The absurd request about setting the alarm was because he needed to check to see that he didn't scare me "too" much.

One other question I asked of my mentor, Ra, was, "Why didn't I see this coming? The answer will forever ring in my ears...and in my heart too. I heard, "Because you weren't supposed to." It took a minute for this to sink in, so Ra continued, "If you had known he would be abusive and attack you like this, you wouldn't have started up with him in the first place. That being said, men like this have practised their strategies for many, many years, and they are very cunning. They know exactly what kind of women to target and how to win them over. They will worm their way into your world without you knowing what they have planned for the future. He wasn't about to let you in on his strategy because he knew you wouldn't have played along!"

Then she added, "and if you stay, it will escalate until he has control again. Make no mistake. His agenda has been escalating all along..."

This was the beginning of hours and days and months and even a few years of questions and answers that have brought me to a place in time where I now know what it was all about...and most importantly, how to avoid it. I was right...there had to be something better than this. I didn't deserve to be treated like a slave, a victim or anything less than the woman I am today. It took awhile to learn what I needed because I had spent years, nearly 45 of them, learning the wrong king of stuff about me. With nine abusers in total, there wasn't much left of me except an aweful lot of anger. Taking 40 years to get to where I was in 1999 when I left the last one, my revelations weren't about to happen overnight.

I was determined however. I wanted so badly to know what peace felt like. I wanted to be able to ride the waves of life with a sense of balance and a certainty that I could be okay. And more than anything else, I wanted to be rid of the anger that had snuck up and filled my life because I didn't want anything or anyone to control me ever again. I wanted me back.

YouTopia - A New World

"After I finally broke away, my hope of a future that was better than the one I had just left behind became my insatiable focus. "

Surviving the physical abuse was a stroke of luck, and I don't usually have a lot of luck. I had a knife in my hand that fateful night, and made a miraculous decision. Nine abusers were enough. I was finally done. My past would become my lesson plan because I had finally made up my mind that I would not repeat the same mistakes again. I was firmly resolved to be on a new path, and I needed a way to pay particular attention to the rest of my journey so it never happened again. I needed to learn some things about me; how am I going to do it differently, why had my life become a safe haven for nine abusers, what had been my role, and how can the past reality help me today?

Speeding down the road away from him, I knew the next eleven years would be work. Today, I see how necessary it all was. I'm living proof that it's possible to come back from the brink where it seems that nothing is right in your world, to a place I call "my pink-cotton-candy-place of peace" where I feel safe and whole and connected. I'm probably more whole today than at any other time in my life. And I owe it all to a very old soul and mentor who I'll call Ra.

I can invite you to walk with me along that journey from insanity to Light only now because I didn't think I was getting anywhere for many years or that I had anything to share that would be of value. Today, looking back from here, I see a golden thread through it all, and "that" is what I wish to share with others who wish to or have embarked on a similar journey.

From being stalked, kidnapped, raped and psychologically abused to the ultimate financial con and the physical assault, I'd been through it all. And I thought I was a pretty smart woman. Maybe smart is the wrong word. But I certainly was resolved...and where did I get my resolve? Well, that's all part of the story.

I hope to bring inspiration, hope, safety, resources and a spiritual essence of oneself through this blog and leave the pain, suffering, sadness, fear and hopelessness for another day. I will have to refer to the depths of my experiences, but this blog will hopefully be about the inspiration more than the violence, about the healing more than the hurting and about the resolve more than the doubt. I have gained a host of very simple and powerful tools from Ra that have helped me immeasurably over my years of healing, and they are the "value" I now can share with you. I have tested each and every one, and I know of their value first hand.

Hop aboard, join in the story and inspire yourself to freedom upon my shoulders...I will hold you up until you are able to stand on your own.